


how i long to hide with you among the fading stars

by savanting



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Hurt/Comfort, One Shot, POV Ben Solo, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Pre-Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker, Redeemed Ben Solo, Short One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-21
Updated: 2020-11-21
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:47:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27659050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/savanting/pseuds/savanting
Summary: Rey extends her hand to Ben Solo, but he doesn't take it. The force is calling him elsewhere. One-Shot.
Relationships: Rey & Ben Solo, Rey & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	how i long to hide with you among the fading stars

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own _Star Wars_ in any way, shape, or form.
> 
> I needed some Ben!Redemption in my life, so I decided to write a little bit in that vein. I wanted this to be more romantic, but it came out as a bit melancholy. I feel like Ben will always have something like PTSD and trauma because of how he was manipulated from such a young age. This fic explores that in a loose way.
> 
> The title comes from lyrics in the song "Always,” covered by Sofia Carson.

“Come with me,” Rey said, holding out her hand to him. It was the first time Ben could remember that she had taken the first step forward, reaching out with such conviction in her eyes that it shook some deep part of him. They had sparred so often that the plea in her voice sounded like something he might have imagined rather than actually heard. Or perhaps it was a fever dream induced by Jedi mind-tricks.

But he shook his head, slowly, because he still clung to distrust after being hurt so often for so long. Snoke had whispered in his mind for so often that any hint of kindness seemed like a knife hidden behind a harmless scrap of cloth.

“Ben.” Her voice wavered on his name. “You can start over. You still have a chance to make things _right_.”

Her eyes gleamed, and he thought she might actually cry. _Over him._

“There’s nothing there for me anymore,” Ben said, his voice soft. “It’s over and done.”

Rey said nothing, though the force bloomed with a whisper: _”You have me.”_

He turned his head away, avoiding her gaze, and he could feel the pain stutter through their connection.

“Please,” she said aloud, and this time she did sound like she was crying. “Please, Ben.”

But Ben Solo would hear none of it.

Amid the wreckage of Snoke’s throne room, Ben left behind the one girl who still believed there was light within him.

*

Ben chose a nondescript ship for his escape. His force connection to Rey was shuttered, but he still could sense it beyond, like static noise underlying his thoughts. There was nothing left for him here within the First Order. He was a masterless apprentice - and the First Order would have a bounty on his head as soon as they found Snoke’s spliced corpse.

Leaving with Rey was the kind of thing born from fantasy, not any semblance of reality. There would have been repercussions - and, no matter what his mother said to appease the Resistance, they would never allow him in their midst.

Kylo Ren was gone, and Ben Solo had to disappear.

Settling into the cockpit, he readied for his launch. There was still so much chaos that no one would care if one small ship malfunctioned and launched itself away, never to be seen again.

Ben thought of his father - the war hero, the smuggler, the man who could lie his way out of almost any scrape. These hands - they shook around the control levers for launch - had seen that life cleaved away.

There was so much he had to answer for, but not yet. Not when he was still searching, lost, waiting for an answer to appear out of the ether.

The ship catapulted into the unknown, and Ben felt a relief that hadn’t hummed through his body in a long, long time.

*

Dagobah was a swamp planet, easily dismissed by the casual traveler, but Ben knew it well. It was the first place he had ever tried to commune with others who had thrived with the force, and he could still remember those days when Luke Skywalker had pushed him farther and farther down the path of the Jedi.

But Ben hadn’t wanted to give his allegiance to anyone, not even with the force singing through his veins as if it had some claim upon his soul. Snoke had been different: he had snagged onto Ben’s mind like a parasite. But now, for the first time in a long while, Ben found he could think clearly. No longer were there hints of malignancy, a snake coiling around his every thought.

When Ben breathed, all he could feel was relief that _it was over_. But there was still the unknowable variable: he and Rey were still connected, still twined together like two halves of a whole in the wide expanse of the force, and what would come of that connection?

Nothing good, the way the odds always seemed stacked against him in some fashion.

When Ben climbed out of the cockpit and into the damp air of Dagobah, he could feel the hum of the force around him. This planet was one of the few with untouched potential with regards to the force. The civilization of the galaxy had yet to impose upon it, making it a natural planet left uninhabited. Ben was sure that would change; the political systems of the galaxy had a way of infringing upon that which should have been kept sacred. As for Dagobah, it had been a favorite of many force users in the past; even Luke Skywalker had trained here once upon a time.

But Ben wasn’t here for reminiscence. Even as he stood overlooking the murky surroundings, he felt the pull immediately: in his mind, he visualized his destination, a cave that held secrets as well as a large pulse of force energy.

Ben wasn’t here for training; he was here for absolution.

*

The cave seemed ordinary at first glance. But any force user would have felt the pressure immediately - like a magnet drawing an opposing power towards it. Even as he stood there outside the cave’s mouth, he felt as if something were pushing him inside, despite there being no wind.

Just to be safe, Ben unlatched his lightsaber from his belt and ignited it. The red glow was a comfort, despite all the dark memories associated with this blade. How many men and women had he cut down with his lightsaber? How many voices had he silenced with just a clean and burning swipe?

He closed his eyes, and there his father’s face came to the forefront, and Ben shuddered.

The cave seemed like the better option right then.

He stepped inside, the darkness swirling around him, and he thought he could hear someone singing in the distance. It sounded like a lullaby, something to lull a babe to sleep on a stormy night. And what was worse was that it sounded awfully familiar.

Before Ben could escape the vision, he saw a woman cradling a swaddle of blankets, her long brown hair spilling over her shoulder as she craned her neck down to look over the baby. She wore a simple brown dress, and Ben might have not recognized her, if he had not seen that smile so often, heard that same voice humming to him on nights when he couldn’t sleep.

His mother, Leia Organa-Solo, stood only feet away, oblivious to him, as she swayed in her steps as if she were dancing.

Ben took a step back, and then the vision of Leia looked up at him, startled, and her mouth opened in a scream that had no sound. She looked _wrong_ , like a monster from his deepest nightmares, and all he wanted to do was run.

When he turned his head, though, he was faced with another vision: Rey stood there, her irises circled in red, her clothes black - the antithesis of all the neutral tones she usually wore.

 _”Don’t be afraid,”_ the specter said, its voice sounding like a mockery of Rey’s steadfast voice. _”I’m here with you, no matter the cost.”_

But Ben couldn’t stand it, seeing this vision of Rey that had haunted him in dreams, back when he thought they might rule the galaxy together. That felt like so very long ago.

“You’re not real,” he said, holding up his lightsaber.

The specter laughed. _”I’m your dreams made manifest. Would you spurn me, like you have done to so many others?”_

Ben thought he might cut the specter down, just to prove that he could, but this thing still wore Rey’s face. And he had never wanted to hurt Rey. Not really, even when he had been at his most conflicted.

Instead of retreating, Ben reached forward with his free hand and touched the specter’s cheek, which felt icy-cold to the touch.

“I wanted you so much,” he said, “but not like this.”

Then his hand fell away, and the specter hissed at him, as if it were ready to attack.

Ben closed his eyes and let his lightsaber swing.

*

Outside the cave, Ben breathed heavily. He didn’t know what answers he had gotten - if any, at all - but at least he could still filter air in and out of his lungs. The cave, as touted, definitely left more up to interpretation than he had thought possible.

He supposed there were no easy answers.

_”Ben.”_

His eyes flashed open, and he felt Rey’s presence in the force connection. Any other time, he might have ignored it, but he was vulnerable after his dealing with the cave. All he wanted right then was some kind of comfort.

And then he looked up to see Rey as if she were really there, just standing in front of a blank slate.

 _”Are you all right?”_ she asked, worry rising in her voice. _”What happened to you?”_

Before he could think better of it, he bridged the gap between them and embraced her.

_”Ben?”_

“I thought I had seen horrible things before, but I didn’t realize there could be more,” he said.

_”What are you talking about?”_

But he just shook his head, relishing that he could still hold some kind of physical presence with her even in the tenuous connection between them.

“Nothing,” he said. “I’m just glad you’re here.”

And Rey said nothing to that, just settled her arms around him, as if she could hear his unspoken need for a fragile kind of peace.


End file.
